ARTICLES & ANSWERS

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MOM AND GUILT ARTICLE

Dear Jennifer,
I want my mother to come live with me. She won’t do it. She says she doesn’t want to be a burden. Then she says, “Just put me away in a nursing home and throw away the key, I’m not good to anyone. My mother and I have had an off and on relationship through the years, with blame on both sides. I wonder if she’s trying to get even with me, but she says it in a very dear voice. I cleared out the back two rooms in my house. She can have one as a living room and the other as a bedroom with its own private bathroom. She can take her meals with us, and stay with us all day if she wants, or she can be by herself in her rooms. We’ve been getting along real nice for about the past 10 years. I really want to do this. I end up crying my eyes out each time I bring it up. I hope you have advice.
Sincerely,
Pauline

Dear Pauline,
Your mother’s tone may be sweet, but her words are passive aggressive. She knows how much you want her with you and she also knows you won’t fulfil her request. She’s putting you in a double bind. Only you can know if she has been like that her whole life or if this is new behavior. She may be depressed. She may be worried she will move in with you and old hurts or behaviors will surface to break your current harmony. She may feel responsible for the difficulties between you. I recommend you and your mother see a therapist; a third party will get to the bottom of your mother’s worries and resistance. If your mother suffers depression, the therapist can recommend anti-depressants. Contact your mother’s doctor for a referral. If your mom won’t go to therapy, then bring in a third party whom she trusts to work through her feelings. Perhaps this is a good family friend, or another relative. Give my office a call if you need more advice.
Warmly,
Jennifer


ADULT CHILD GUILT
This is the first in a five part series about relationships. If you missed a segment of this series, you will find it posted on my website: www.SeniorLifeGCM.com

Do you worry you aren’t doing enough for your parents? Maybe you don’t live nearby or maybe other demands in your life take your time and energy?

Do your parents “make” you feel guilty? Are they demanding too much of you? Or worse, are they being passive aggressive and throwing hints or comments that leave you feeling like you might explode?
Do you find yourself thinking frequently about the increasing needs of your parents and worries about the future?

Welcome to the club; you definitely are not alone. It is very difficult to stand witness to our parents aging. We want to take good care of them, after all, they took good care of us. We often feel we must be “good children” and berate ourselves as selfish if we don’t think we are doing enough for them. Look, there is only so much time in the day and only so much we can do to help our parents remain in their own home.

Guilt’s best friend is anxiety; when we feel guilty, we feel anxious too. When we think about the care our parents need, we worry about how to help and our anxiety hits new highs as we imagine what our parents will need from us in the years to come.

Stop. Make an appointment with yourself. Look at your weekly schedule. Where can you fit in help for your parents? Or what can you afford in regards to buying them some help? A gardener perhaps or a housekeeper. What’s on your calendar which you might set aside to make time for your parents? How much should you do is personal and dependent on the needs of your loved ones. I recommend that you think ahead. What amount of involvement on your part will keep regrets at bay when your parents are gone?

If you are struggling with the “right thing” to do, or with differing views in the family, contact a geriatric care manager for assistance. It is money well spent.

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