Features:

• Keeping valuables safe
• Father and Daughter
• How do I get my parents to move?
• Woman worried about husband

Keeping Valuables Safe

Dear Jennifer,
My mom just moved into assisted living. I’m worried something will happen to her expensive jewelry, and she insists on wearing it. If I try to take it away, we’ll end up in a big fight. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Thank you,
Ted

Dear Ted,

1. Maintain an insurance policy on items of high value.
2. Have the associated experts label eye glasses, dentures, hearing aides and expensive diamonds (jewelers can label microscopically)
3. Photograph all items for insurance claims and/or to help the staff in an all out search.
4. If the older adult is confused and misplacing items, consider switching out the real jewelry for look-alikes.
5. Senior communities are not responsible for lost or stolen valuables.

Sincerely,

Father and Daughter

Greetings to my readers,

I have two letters here. One is from the daughter and one is from her father. I am going to start with the father’s letter.

Dear Jennifer,
My daughter worries too much about me. I love her, but since my wife died six months ago, she’s treating me like I can’t think for myself. I am a little absent minded, but that’s to be expected at 82. How do I make her stop worrying and leave me be?

Signed,
I am still the father.

Dear Jennifer,

My father shouldn’t be living alone anymore. I just don’t think he can take care of himself without my mom. He has cereal for lunch every day and orders out every evening. He won’t talk to me about it. He says the only way he’s going to leave the house is feet first. How do I get him to move? He won’t come to my house because he doesn’t want to be a burden and he won’t go into a nice senior place because “those are for old people.” What do I do?

Signed,
A loving worried daughter.

Does this sound familiar to any of you? I don’t know enough about the father to say if he is safe enough to live alone. I can tell you that having children parent the parent is a big adjustment for the senior. And of course it is no small feat for the adult child either.

When one parent dies, adult children often become overly concerned about the survivor. It is hard to become an orphan at any age, and the adult children will do everything to keep the surviving parent healthy and well. If there was a great deal of commotion in managing the details after the first parent died, the children will want to avoid repeating that situation. Also, in their grief, the children may wish they’d had more time with the deceased parent, and will double their efforts with the other parent. An empathetic geriatric care manager (GCM) will meet individually with each of you to identify exaggerated concerns.

Let me talk about a couple of these issues:

Mild absent-mindedness or forgetfulness is normal as we age. When this situation impacts our daily life it is called mild cognitive impairment. Routine forgetfulness is not normal and should be discussed with the doctor. A good geriatric care manager (GCM) can perform a reliable cognitive assessment.

As far as this gentleman’s diet, he has a good plan, depending on what he is ordering each evening. Cereal is not a bad choice for a meal. It is full of vitamins and fiber. Of course, some cereals are better than others. There are restaurants and caterers in our community that send a delicious meal to the home. These meals can be delivered ready-to-eat or may require a microwave heat up. Again, a GCM will be able to offer suggestions.

When I work with people in this situation, I am guided by the senior’s wishes. After all, if I am graced, I will be a senior one day. I know I will want to make my own choices. In this case, it is this man’s life, and no one else’s. This is a time of compromise for the daughter and father. The daughter will have to live with a bit of worry and the father should take steps to minimize that worry. I recommend a personal alarm system or personal fall alarm for the father to be worn whenever he is alone. There are other recommendations to be made as well, but these depend on the results of the GCM assessment.

My best wishes to a loving father and loving daughter. Talk together. Things will work out.

Sincerely,

How do I get my parents to move?

Dear Jennifer,

How do I approach my parents with the idea of moving where they can get assistance?

Thank you,
Richard

Dear Richard,
Good question; one that effects many of us.

1. Timing is important; talk after a pleasant meal, or anytime you and your parents are rested and alert.
2. Have a discussion, rather than pressuring your parents. Bring up the issues, and brainstorm solutions.
3. Talk in terms of your availability to help, your worries, and your love.
4. Make sure you are listening as hard to what your parents are saying, as you would like them to listen to you.
5. Stop the conversation if your parents are frightened or angered by it. Your parents will need some time to think things through.
6. Consider talking together with a third party: your parent’s doctor, a social worker, or a geriatric care manager.

Having this discussion with your parents is yet another way you are being a good son.

Woman worried about husband

Greetings to my readers,

Today’s letter is from a woman who is worried about the changes in her husband.

Dear Jennifer,
I am afraid my husband doesn’t love me anymore. He gets cross with me. He gets angry when I ask him questions. I asked to look at our credit card bill, to make sure I’d received a return credit, and he wouldn’t let me see it. He seems to have changed quite suddenly and I think there may be another woman. He tells me I have nothing to worry about, but I don’t know what to think. He is 84 and I am 85.

Signed,
Worried Wife

Dear Worried,
There wasn’t enough information in your letter for me to understand your situation completely. You indicate that this behavior is new for your husband, and came on suddenly. You tell me he denies an outside love interest. It is possible there is a physical reason for this behavior.

The first thing you should do is make an appointment for you and your husband with his physician. It is time for honesty. Be prepared to say your observations of your husband’s memory, sleep habits, medication compliance, eating habits and socialization. As always, bring a list of the medications your husband takes. Also ask your doctor if s/he would like your husband to have any lab work done before the appointment.

Hold onto the relationship you and your husband have had for years. It is most likely this is something besides another woman. Your husband may have an increase in pain which is making him irritable, or his memory may be failing and causing him anxiety. There are other possibilities too, so please call the doctor and have him/her help you. That is what your doctor is for.

Tell your husband I said he’s lucky that his wife still cares enough to get jealous.

Good luck,